I'm a maaaan baby!
by blondie-babe
Summary: Buffy and Spike's relationship is in danger when Spike finds out that Buffy is actually a man. Words of warning: this story's theme may be a bit disturbing for readers of a more nervous disposition! ;)
1. Default Chapter

I'm a man baby!  
  
Disclaimer: Reviews/flames are appreciated!  
  
Buffy stared at herself naked in the mirror. It had been 5 years since she had started taking the hormone pills to make her voice higher, and had the surgery to make her look like a woman. But still.it seemed weird. She had a nice cute girly face, long blonde hair, then lower down were her pert breasts and then...a penis.  
  
"Penis, cock, dick, donger," Buffy shuddered as she said the words to herself. She felt like a freak. Why couldn't she have been born a woman instead of having to go through all this physical and emotional upheaval?  
  
Buffy reached for a towel and wrapped it back round her body.  
  
Downstairs Dawn was making pancakes. She jumped, startled, as Spike climbed in through the window.  
  
"Oh God Spike! Can't you use the door like normal people?"  
  
The blonde vampire grinned and rustled her hair with his knuckles. "Well I think you're forgetting the fact that I am a vampire."  
  
"Well then why are you coming for little social visits when the sun is still shining?"  
  
Spike shuffled from side to side and put on his serious face. "I was actually hoping to talk to your sister. She here?"  
  
"Yup," Dawn replied, pouring more pancake mix into the pan. "She actually hasn't been out for two days. I thought it probably had something to do with you."  
  
Spike pointed a finger at the teenager. "Hey, I am pleased to inform you that it wasn't actually my fault this time!"  
  
"Whatever," grinned Dawn. "She's upstairs, although I'm not sure if she'll want to talk to you."  
  
Buffy frowned as she listened to Spike's footsteps come towards her bedroom door. Should she stay laying on the bed with just her skimpy towel on? Or should she quickly dress herself and risk him seeing her naked body? She decided to stay put, even though it did look a bit seductive.  
  
"Knock knock, visitor for you miss Summers!"  
  
Buffy turned on to her front and leant her head on her hand. "Come in."  
  
Spike stepped through the door and gasped slightly at the sight of Buffy in her towel. * Sexy! *  
  
Buffy smiled. "Hey."  
  
"Hey."  
  
They both tried to ignore the silence that followed. In the end Spike broke it.  
  
" Buffy why are you such a prude?"  
  
The girl stared at him in astonishment. "I beg your pardon!"  
  
The vampire strode to the edge of the bed and then sat down on it.  
  
"Spike I am not a prude!" * I actually wanna jump your bones. *  
  
Spike smirked and let his eyes roam her body. * Damn she looks good! * " I just want to know why you always run away when I try and finger you.."  
  
Buffy blushed slightly, and tried to hide her burning cheeks with her hands.  
  
"You're so sexy when you're embarrassed you know."  
  
Her cheeks glowed brighter.  
  
Spike leant forward and gently brushed his lips against hers. Then sliding his hands down the front of the towel he murmured, "How do you feel when I do this?"  
  
Buffy gasped as she felt her penis start to rise. * Please don't move your hands lower! * Spike felt his own cock start to ride. "How about when I move them even lower?" he responded, rubbing his hands against her belly.  
  
Buffy could feel her penis digging into the bed. * Fuuuuuuuuck! *  
  
Spike grinned. "Now how about. OH HOLY SHIT!" He jerked his hand away suddenly from the throbbing member. He turned away in digust as Buffy burst out crying.  
  
"Spike please look at me..I meant to tell you!"  
  
"Yeah right! He shouted. "When exactly were you going to let me know? Before or after I gave you a hand job?!"  
  
Buffy started sobbing violently. "Please, just go.."  
  
"I.I need time to think about this. Or rather not think about it. Oh my god, you're a MAN?!"  
  
"No I."  
  
Spike didn't let her finish her sentence. Instead he swirled round back through the bedroom door, letting it slam behind him.  
  
Buffy was left alone, crying helplessly into her hands.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	2. chapter 2

CHAPTER 2:  
  
The next day Buffy was in her ballet class trying to lift her leg up higher over the bar.  
  
"Ok good Buffy," her instructor informed her as she lifted her leg up. "If you don't mind I would like you to practise a routine with Clive in front of the rest of the class."  
  
Buffy sighed.Clive the Clutz? Rolling her eyes she agreed and allowed the spotty young man to take her hand, while her grinning ballet instructor pressed play on the stereo.  
  
"Ode to Joy" came blaring out of the stereo.  
  
Clive winked at Buffy as he started prancing about and even attempting to lift the fragile blonde over his shoulder.  
  
Buffy glared at him. "Oi watch the tutu buster!" she mumbled, as it slipped down to her ankles. As she didn't want to cause a scene she carried on dancing. Faster and faster she twirled as the music got more and more intense, leaving the audience gasping at her expertise.  
  
Buffy giggled to herself. * Now for the finale! * she thought as she lifted her leg up upto her head. The grand finale didn't go to plan though, as Clive had other ideas.  
  
"Ta da!!!" he exclaimed as he lifted Buffy up over his head.  
  
Buffy tried to wriggle free but ended up in a heap on the floor, her penis on full show through her beige tights.  
  
The audience gasped for a moment then started pointing and laughing to a chorus of, Freak! Freak! FREAK!!!! FREAK!!!  
  
Suddenly the nightmare ended and Buffy was left sitting up in bed wondering where the hell she was.  
  
"Ok no more cheese crackers and Dirty Dancing videos for me!" she said aloud, her voice quivering silently. She looked around the room. For some strange reason she could smell the essence of Spike. His aftershave, mmmm. God she hadn't realised how much she missed him. Letting out a loud sigh she leant over and clicked her lamp on.  
  
"HOLY SHIT SPIKE!!!"  
  
Spike smiled as he grabbed her wrists and kissed her hungrily, letting their legs entwine as he pushed her gently back onto the bed..  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.. .. .. 


	3. chapter 3

CHAPTER 3  
  
Spike leant over Buffy and nuzzled his in her neck. She sure felt like a woman. Well.she did until it came to her crotch "unpleasantness". Spike was curious.what would it feel like? He hadn't had a chance for a fumble yet because he taken her up the arse before.  
  
Sliding his hand down her silky smooth stomach he felt his breathing get heavier. Then with one plunge he grabbed Buffy's specimen.  
  
"WOW BUFFY THAT'S BLOODY HUGE!!!"  
  
The blonde girl sat up with a start and pulled the duvet closer to her body. She knew Spike wouldn't be sympathetic at all, but hey that was just Spike. Buffy twirled round to him and grinned.  
  
"I used to have a deal with the magazine 'Spunky Hunks' but sadly I lost my contract when I became a girl," she sighed.  
  
"Well Buffy baby no wonder!" Spike leant back and rubbed her back, enjoying the sounds of her whimpering underneath his touch.  
  
"What was your name before you changed it to Buffy?" he asked with curiosity.  
  
Buffy twirled her long golden locks around her fingers, then with hesitation she replied..  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.. .. ..  
  
*What was Buffy's name?! Oooooh it's all very exciting isnt it! * ahem * Anyhoos.* 


	4. chapter 4

CHAPTER 4  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Spike please it's not funny!"  
  
"It bloody is love!" replied Spike, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I mean, 'Buffy' is bad enough but.."  
  
Buffy interrupted, looking hurt. "What did you mean by that?!"  
  
"Sorry pet.but how can you expect me to keep a straight face when you say your name was EGBERT?!"  
  
"Spike, just shut up!! At least I'm not dead!!"  
  
Spike frowned slightly. "Witty comeback Buffy."  
  
The blonde girl took a step back and clasped her hands over her face. "Grrrr! Why did I have to tell you my name? I knew you would take the piss."  
  
Spike ran a hand through his bleached hair and kneeled down slowly in front of the now crying girl. "Shit, I'm sorry, the least thing I want to do is make my baby cry," he said whilst tilting her head down and kissing her gently on the forehead.  
  
Buffy looked up into Spike's reassuring eyes, "You mean it?"  
  
With one swoop the vampire lifted Buffy into his strong masculine arms. "Yes and to show you how sorry I am I'm going to make you breakfast. How do you like your eggs?"  
  
Buffy wriggled from the vamp's grasp and proceeded to pounce on top of him on to the floor.  
  
"FERTILISED!"  
  
  
  
To be continued.. .. .. 


	5. chapter 5

CHAPTER 5  
Spike looked startled. "You.want a baby Buffy?"  
  
Buffy crawled off Spike and stared at the wall. "Why yes. . . yes I do."  
  
"Pet . . . I'm a bloody vampire."  
  
". . . I was thinking that we could use Clive's sperm."  
  
"Oh yes, and Buffy? You're actually a bloke you dumb thing!"  
  
"Damn youuuuuu! I am the slayer! You respect my authoritaaah!"  
  
Spike stared at the blonde who had just mouthed off at him and put on his vampire face. Now he was angry.  
  
"How dare you mess with my feelings like that Buffy!"  
  
Buffy shot up and poked him in the chest. " Don't you DARE call me Buffy! The name's EGBERT to you. . . you. . . you BASTARD!"  
  
There was silence after this. Buffy broke it.  
  
"I'm sorry Spike, we obviously want different things."  
  
"Well I don't want to date a man. . . that's for sure."  
  
A tear fell down Buffy's cheek as she felt her heart split in half. "I can't believe you just said that. . . "  
  
Spike stepped forward and his face softened. "Look. . . I've just had bad experiences with Clem in the past."  
  
Buffy shuddered, "You and. . ..CLEM!?"  
  
"Well y'know there was skin everywhere it just swamped me and..oh BOLLOCKS I shouldn't have told you this should I!?"  
  
"No you shouldn't have you sick freak!"  
  
There was nothing left to say, but again, Buffy broke the silence.  
  
"Well. . . I love you Spike. . . but we need time apar . . ."  
  
"But Buf. . . "  
  
"Do NOT interrupt me! I think we need time apart. Which is why I am going to go out on a date with. . . with CLIVE!" "Buffy pet. . . don't do this you're just upset. . . "  
  
But it was too late. Revenge was too sweet and Buffy was looking forward to the feelings of jealousy that Spike would feel when he later "accidentally" walked in on her and Clive "getting it on".  
  
"I'm sorry Spike."  
  
While Buffy said this she realised that she could feel a slight coolness in her crotch are, then she realised. . .* damn *. . . .she had left her flies open and her penis was swaying to and fro in the breeze. How embarrassing. . .  
  
Spike smirked while Buffy did the zip up again. Buffy ran up to him and smacked him round the head.  
  
"GoodBYE Spike. . . I'm calling Clive!"  
TO BE CONTINUED.. .. ..  
  
* However will this endeavour end? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of my she-man story! Hurrah! * 


	6. chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

"So like, Clive, I was thinking that we should like totally go out on a date tonight."

"You...you...w-w-want to go out with m-m-me?" A guffaw came down the line, followed by what sounded like a rubbing noise.

"Clive, what's that noise?"

"Mmmmm...ahh....erm. I'm sanding down my wall." He sounded embarrassed.

"Right babe, well I'll see you at the Bronze at 9 tonight then. Be sure to dress...don't turn up looking like a dork." She hung up.

Clive was grinning from ear to ear. He went back to sucking his sausage. He liked sausages.

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"So Clem, Clem....CLEM GET OUT OF THE BLOODY KITCHEN AND TALK TO ME."

Clem walked out of the kitchen into the living room, wearing nothing but stilettos and his modesty.

Spike ran.

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Hours later, Buffy was sitting alone on the kerb in front of the Bronze. Clive was late. He was late dammit! No-one stood Buffy up and got away with it, ever!

Suddenly, to her surprise she heard a whirring noise. It sounded like a very noisy vibrator. She looked up to the dark, moonlit sky and to her astonishment she saw a blurry figure slowly hovering down to earth. She withdrew her stake from her trousers (no not _that _stake) and held it up in defence.

"Why hellooooooo my dreamboat!" came a familiar voice. It was Clive! Clive was hovering down to earth, wearing his propeller hat.

Buffy felt her cheeks flush a deep shade of crimson. Clive was such a twat.

"Woooo-weeee I'm coming down to laaaand ye fair maiden!" Clive fell to earth with a loud thump. The batteries in his propeller hat had apparrently ran out. He promptly stood up, surveying the ground in search of his teeth.

Buffy sighed. "Are you alright Clive?"

"I think th-o but I hath lotht a few of my teeth..."

Buffy got to her knees to help search for them, and swatted Clive's idle hands away as they reach for her buns. She sighed again. This was going to be a loooooong night.

**To be continued...(assuming the author can be arsed.)**


End file.
